I started this blog about a year and a half go. My intention was to write at least once a week. That never happened as you can see.. The short story is I decided to go back to work. The main reason I went back to work was because my youngest was 3 and would be starting preschool. The idea of being home alone while the kids were out of the house did not appeal to me. I know I could have sent him to a part-time program but I realized part of me wanted to go back to work.
Not that being an at home mom was not work- It was! Stay At Home Moms have THE HARDEST JOBS EVER! Some people will probably get mad at me for that statement but it is true. Nothing compares to the physical, and emotional endurance you need as a SAHM. When I go to work it is way more peaceful. I interact with adults about topics totally unrelated to my kids. Every morning I sit in a quiet office with a nice hot cup of coffee, papers in piles around me, waiting for me computer to turn on. It’s blissful! I have bathroom breaks that don’t include a little person. My lunch is MY LUNCH. Sure there is the excitement of deadlines and figuring out a process, but those things can actually be really fun too! There are some hard and stressful things that happen at work but overall it’s … dare I say it… easier than being a SAHM!
I am lucky though.. I have a very flexible job with a lot of time off, short hours AND if I need to I can work from home. I work for an amazing non-profit where I get to feel good about helping people and the community, plus I am at a high level so I feel somewhat important. Putting it down on paper (or actually screen) makes me realize I might have the best job ever.. So you might not want to take my SAHM versus Working Mom comments too seriously ;-)
The downside? The fact that I enjoy working so much makes me feel guilty.. DAMN THE GUILT!
Guilt about enjoying the fact that I go off to work while my son is at daycare -> all day
Guilt about not finding the “right” daycare the first time. (more on that later.. if I keep up with my writing this time)
Guilt about not having enough time anymore. We TOTALLY missed apple picking at our local farm this year. That’s right our local farm is OUT of apples already! We have gone apple picking at the local farm EVERY YEAR ! We will go to another farm but we -or really I-missed it. I let the time get a way from me and it put a hiccup in our tradition.
Guilt about sending my oldest to camp for the summer instead of having him home with me to play all day and learn the amazing way boredom can turn into the best adventure EVER!!!
Guilt when I come home from work and order a pizza because I am too tired to cook them an organic cornucopia of food
Guilt because I just don’t want to be an At Home Mom any more
Guilt because I missed taking care of myself
Guilt because I wish I had the inner strength to be at home with them for just a little while longer
Guilt because I want to be the best mommy ever but I don’t know if I am even close
I don’t know how to get over or around the guilt. Most days I just let it be, and try to accept it. It is what it is… I hope that some day when I look back I wont feel the guilt. I hope to some day forgive myself for not being the perfect mom, and accept that doing my best is the best I can do!